Sometimes, I don't really understand what I want. Maybe I am so used to stand aside and observe other people's stories, that I am bad at putting myself into the picture. Even during my own relationships, I feel like someone watching from aside, observing what it is like to be in a relationship. Instead of devoting and envolving into the relationship, I felt like it's got nothing to do with me.
They say if he's the right one, you'll feel it. Really? I don't think I am feeling anything!!???
I am confused, going a totally different way than what I thought I would want. Feeling for someone that I thought is totally not my kind.
Don't want to have anything to do with marriage and kids?? Maybe deep down my mind, I already felt that, even before I notice it. Maybe that's also why everytime when I looked at wedding pictures, I only adore the bride in wedding dress but always think the groom ruins the picture....
It felt like, I just want to experience "love", experience in a "relationship". Do things that people would do when they're falling in love. But observing from aside like doing a research? That's not suppose to be the kind of feeling for people in love, right? Am I just weird or that I haven't met the right one? Or that my feelings for him aren't as strong as I thought?
If I only want to experience the "love", there're better choices that I know will be much more easier and less tiring. And would also be much closer to what I used to picture "relationship". Going out late night dates, dinner dates, seeing special places together like "Lover's Bridge", and sees the guy trying to get your attention. But I don't feel anything....even worst...I reject them.
What's happening to the theory of it's better to be loved than love someone?????
I cannot imagine myself into another new relationship....feels weird...because I just don't want the responsibilities that came along with a relationship, but also don't want a no-strings attached, casual relationship. And rejecting other man without noticing it myself?
Is it that my heart refuse to move on? or is it that they're just not the right guy?
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